Mother has the Magic Powers!

Being a pediatric eye doctor and mother, I get to see mothers and children every day from very close quarters. In the half an hour I spend with them, I have seen many shades of human emotions in their eyes. I have been a friend and confidante to many and have crossed the doctor-patient limits and kept a hand on many shoulders and allow them to heal in the clinic! This blog is about the mothers! The experiences that connect you instantly to the mother in the woman, or the mother in the eyes of the child!

I met a young mother. She was all of 22 with this 2-year-old now. The child had been diagnosed to have Down’s syndrome. This baby had many eye complications of the syndrome and I was taking care of her eyes. The parents were extremely doting towards this daughter. The daughter also being a happy child, was always loved by all my staff. They were discussing having a second pregnancy with me. Though I am an eye doctor, as a pediatric ophthalmologist I tend to become very close and empathic with the family and they do discuss things from contraception, abortion and pregnancies with me. So here I was telling them that Down’s is one of the diseases which has the most likelihood of getting detected by blood tests and ultrasound early on in the pregnancy. So this mother said something so profound which surprises me even today. She said:  “Madam, thank God all those tests were not used for Kavita...or else we would have aborted this beautiful baby!!” In an era, where patients mostly doubt the treating doctors, blame them for missing findings and develop resent for treating physicians, this lady had a completely different outlook to it!!! The couple’s positivity was working wonders for the baby. The heart lesion had healed, the milestones were gaining and over and above all, the girl was having this dominant loving and fighting spirit. I would like to believe that this is a miracle and the circle of love that is shielding the baby.

Another such day at work, I was busy with a thousand and one things. Compartmentalising home and work and personal and professional is very difficult for any professional. And in one of those bad days, I had a child brought by the grandfather. This child had an injury in the eye, a cut on his lid and should have been in pain but was very quiet. I examined him and went on explaining to the grandfather that he will need an urgent surgery as the wound needs care. This grandfather was obviously looking worried but the child was not even wincing. Sensing something wrong with his behaviour I told my staff to take him out of my consulting room while I discuss the details of the surgery with the grandfather alone. The Grandpa broke down. I explained that it is a minor surgery and would not affect the child’s vision. But he sobbed uncontrollably. Not considering myself in a position to pacify a 70yr old man I asked him to bring the parents so that I would discuss the matter with them. At this, he looked directly in my soul and said “ They died yesterday in the same accident that has him wounded” As ophthalmologists, we do not deal much with death and I felt cornered and numb. I should have been a healer but my healing powers were lost. I wish I could have put my hand on that 70yr old man and said it all would be fine, but how could anything be fine? I did what I could,  I went into the other OPD room and cried. Cried for the change of fate of this 5 yr boy! And that of this 70yr man! And dried off my tears, drank water and was composed enough to explain about the surgery. The next day while this boy was being trollied into the OT, this boy help my hand tight and kissed it. He looked into my eyes and I could see his mother living through him. I blessed him and mothered him before the anaesthesia effect came over and  I wore the surgeon’s cap and converted into his surgeon!

The last story is about myself. My son was all of 1 and half when he was running fever for almost a week. My husband was giving a very important Nephrology exam in the coming week. I was already on my emotional low point, with taking leaves from work, husband stressed with exams, son not feeling well. He refused to eat anything and I remember walking up and down our apartment building in despair. One night was most stressful.  He hadnt eaten a morsel all day and I hadnt eaten either, out of worry, despair and exhaustion. He was behaving very abnormally and continuously fussing about things. Being a generally happy baby that was very abnormal for him. We took him to the pediatric hospital and found that he was very dehydrated and the test turned out to be positive for typhoid. I had studied typhoid as a bacteria in  microbiology and its effects on the body in pathology and its drugs in pharmacology. Had seen many children treated for the same in pediatrics. But when it happened to my child, the doctor’s reasoning brain dissolved into a mother’s guilty brain. How did my child end up with a water borne disease? Was I not careful about hygeine? I shouldnt have taken him to that birthday party! I shouldnt have allowed him to drink the water occasionally while brushing his tiny teeth! If only I would have left my job of healing others I would have taken better care of my child and not sent him to day care! I howled and cried and felt guilty for my son having to undergo the tests and the pricks for intravenous lines. I cried in guilt for not being enough supportive of my husband in his stressful exam times and adding to his burdens. As the fever came down after the first dose of antibiotics, me and my husband slept in our child’s hospital room. We collapsed after nights of sleeplessness and relief for having atleast a diagnosis to his fever. And as I woke up I had one hand over my head which said “It will all get better” And that was my mom. She flew down because she knew I, her child needed her and my child needed a strong mother!

A mother is a very powerful being and I would like to believe in the Harry Potter story that she even has the power to embrace the child and give so much of positivity that even Voldemort could not kill the child!

To All such Powerful Mothers...Keep the Magic coming!!!

THE WHITE DREAM FOR CHRISTMAS!

The White Dream for Christmas!!

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Dec 22 2016

Aloka Hedau

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From when I was 5, I was introduced to the wonderful world of Enid Blyton. So my childhood was strongly impressioned by the chidhood depicted in the books. The Lemonade drink in  summers, the countryside drive, the Christmas carols, the clearing of snow, the Christmas carnivals! The porridge, pudding and apple pie from the childhood books replaced the gulab jamun, shrikhand and fruit custard of the real childhood in my dreams!

                                                                                 

But the reality was starkly different. Staying in Gujarat we did not have much of a winter. We wore light woolens to school and not the snow-boots and fur coats that I read about. The images of guards sitting around bonfire on the winter nights is still fresh. There was definitely no snow! There weren't many singing carols and back then not many shops decorating for Christmas unlike now. Also we did have a Christmas vacation at school but usually would have exams just after that so much of this vacation was spent reading and revising for those!

The summers were very very hot and there was no cold lemonade which was cool enough or hygienic enough for consumption. Staying in a traffic filled hustle bustle of the city there wasn't much to cherish in cycle rides and no hill side or country side to enjoy!

Vacationing with cousins like the gang did in the books was unheard of at the age of 5-10yrs age in India at that time. 

                                    

A lot of children born in the 80s can connect with this brown life and white dream!(no racist connect here please!)

All these memories came back today morning when my little sonny boy woke up and ran to the balcony. He came back looking very dissapointed. I wondered what the matter was, when he sighed aloud.."Mumma why has it not snowed for Christmas?" He had seen that in one of his school books and his favorite Peppa Pig!

So I went on to explain the difference between winters in the west and India. That places like Kashmir, Srinagar, Manali were in the northern part of India get snow, and parts where we stay are too hot to snow. 

I showed him the Indian version of winter with warm clothes, parathas for breakfast, sweets like rabdis and jalebis and  seasonal citrus fruits like apples, oranges and grapes. Getting our Christmas tree and decor and baking a Christmas cake is part of the weekend plan!

                                               

But what I have secretly planned for us is a visit to Snow Wonderland in the city where they are planning a Christmas carnival with artificial snow and sledges. With a candy shop and carousel and a trip to Norway to meet Santa it looks super promising. So me and sonny boy are both going to experience our White dream on Christmas Day!!

                                                                                 Merry Christmas Folks!

MY DAD: MY HERO!!

When I started writing this blog, I was in two minds about writing it for public consumption. But the reason I wrote this as a public blog is to introduce this hero of my life! What do I write about somebody who is so close to my heart. Should I write he is the best, or he is the strongest or he is the kindest! Because the moment I write this, I remember moments that he hasnt been any of this! But what I learnt from my father is to be as human as possible in this journey of life. So he has shouted, screamed, beaten, laughed and cried and celebrated with us!

                                        

    As a kid I had a lovely childhood. I always felt as if the world was perfect around us because my parents did try hard to make it look picture perfect. We celebrated and rejoiced most victories for each one of us 4 in the family as a team. Being a foodie like my dad, almost every happiness meant more food and sweets. My dad after his busy practice as a physician, would come to all my  Bharatnatyam dance recitals, garba nights, movie outings and birthday parties. All the 16yrs that I stayed with them and even beyond now, we are as close knit as can be.  As young as at the age of 8, I remember him coming late night from a home visit to a sick patient’s house. And somehow I was awake. I asked him “Papa, dont you get tired of this?”...and he said “I am the chosen one to heal and I love what I do so I dont get tired.”I have seen him becoming excited when a sick patient is improving, when some new medicine is working or some young life is saved. He has lived by example and without speaking words he has imparted deeply in me to take the right path and love what you do! 

                                   

     He does come across to our family as a workaholic and most of our arguments are about him taking care of his health while he heals. But I never felt throughout my childhood that I missed out having him around because he always made time for us..

      As a young girl I had the priviledge of being his assistant, khabri, confidante and best friend. I used to accompany him on home visits to patient’s homes, hospital rounds, patient’s surgeries and got to see him from close quarters at his Out Patient Clinic. He is always thorough, gentle, humane and very involved with his patients. He has been a part of their families like a friend in weddings, birthday celebrations and even besnas(a gujarati custom when people meet the loved ones of the departed soul). He used to ask my advise on the issues at home, at clinic and I used to be the only one who could tell him if he had faulted.

     As I grew I started seeing his vulnerable side. This Messiah had a weak bone and that was Me!! He worked as my Bouncer and protector. He winced throughtout my crazy teens! When I chose a partner for myself he was happily sad and I guess it was a difficult time for him to see his Amu(Malayalam for a little girl) wed off! He still remains very protective of me. He wants to protect me and my brother from all evils that life throws at us and can see his heart ache when he isnt able to do so always!

                                                         

    My parents form this strongest bond. They arent always on the same page but they have this silent uncanny understanding that they can differ! For most of my dad’s eccentricities my Mom with her cool, silent and stable demeanour eases things out.

    Dad, All my life I have seen you as this protector to us at home, to your patients, your father, your workers and Ma. I just wish there is a time when I can protect you and cushion you from whatever life throws at you. I wish I can parent you and warm you like you have always done. It is beyond these 3 words I know, but I have to say it “I Love You”. Wish you a wonderful birthday and celebrate many more Living and Loving!

MY JOURNEY, MY DESTINATION

How are you? How have you been doing? How is work? How is home?

What answers do you get most of the times. There are 3 sets of people. Some say great, some say fine, some say ok yaar.

I have often thought when we give this answer do we actually say the right answer. Or do we compare with one who is asking to give the right answer. Or does our brain quickly compare with our contemporaries and then give a statistical analysis of how you feel to give the right answer!

Long back I took a conscious decision of avoiding social networking sites. There were lot of reasons for that. I felt this constant pressure to be in the news. That can be quite daunting for a working mother who handles 2 professions on any day, work and home. I felt the need for life to be happening and slowly started hating the normalcy of a routine week. I felt the need to buy like someone else. To potray like someone else. To vacation like someone else. To cook, celebrate, dress, pose, pamper like someone else. I started loosing focus to what I want to do and sometimes even before the task was done had the drive to post online for the likes. The likes that we see as a thumbs up sign start thumping opinions on whatever we do, say or write. 

Also I was getting too much information. Excessive news, excessive videos being shared, 1001 opinions on things in the current news, negativity, positivity just too much input which also was difficult to process for the brain. In the multiple layers of information going in the brain started getting fatigued and started forgetting the routine tasks.

In a normal life, the pressure of another world, of having many likes, having many followers and being trending makes you loose focus on your own journey. Suddenly you don’t like, follow or trend on what you want and instead what others want. 

There is a completely different world with almost unknown faces liking and loving unchallantly what you are doing. I sometimes feel it must be just as a schizophrenic person feels. In psychiatry we used to study that they build a world of their own and relationships of their own and have problem differentiating the real from the virtual. I feel this also creates havoc with the existing relationships. We have past, present and future for a reason. Each is a new learning opportunity. But when past school, college mates, present friends, past teachers, present relations we try to stay in touch with all and at the end we are in the real world sitting with none. Connecting has become virtual more than real. Emoticons are making us emotionless.

So when next time one asks me the question how am I? I pause and think I am good. Am on a journey of my own.

My journey is mine, it is unique. My learning experiences are unique. I have not come to become better than XYZ but have been sent to become the best I can. To explore and explode your own given opportunities is the journey of life. You do choose some situations but most of the situations in life in hindsight are chosen and we have had little control on manipulating them. So smile because you want to, sing because you want to, see a movie because you want to, travel because you want to. Live for yourself and no one else. 

Because your journey will be travelled only by you. 

IN PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS

IN PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS

“I do not have time to eat!!” Have often had the opportunity to say this and listen to this from friends. We as a race are conditioned to think that the lesser we take care of ourselves, the more selfless we are and the more committed we are to the work we do. But is that really true? Who is responsible for taking care of the body and soul that we are blessed with. If you treat everybody’s children well but ill treat your own child does that make you a better parent? So aren’t we a parent of this soul and body too?

What are we pursuing? This question strikes me often. When I see people haggling with vegetable vendors, mothers screaming at their children, fathers raising their hands on the mother and child in an act to discipline I wonder how disconnected we are becoming from ourselves. What are we pursuing? Saving a rupee or two from the vegetable vendor is in no way making us richer. Is it just a pseudo sense of superiority? The same food if is available for 400 rs at a pizza corner, we don’t bat our eyelids and pay and feel superior that we can afford such luxuries!! How does saving 2 rs and spending 400rs end up giving you the same high?

I remember the days that we used to get together at home and see one programme on the television. We had to by force connect with a common programme and channel that all could watch. Having 3 generations under one roof that sorting process lent to excellent choices to see. So I remember seeing 3 stooges with my grandpa, watching WWF with my brother and Udaan with my mom. All of us used to get together to watch programmes like Bournvita Quiz Contest or Mahabharat or even Zee Horror Show. Now with a 4 bedroom house with 4 televisions are we able to connect? Is communal viewing of TV not as good as communal eating? Why does the same chole puri eaten alone not taste as good as when all are eating together on a family lunch?

Today most of us can afford a day care, a nanny, an excellent international school, private tutors, saxophone lessons, horse riding and ofcourse the latest ipads and playstations. But ask yourself can you afford quality time with the kid? In the pursuit of the next promotion, the higher pay scale, the bigger loans, the bigger cars, the bigger villas, the more fame, the next achievement award or the appreciation that comes from your clients/ patients....do we have more quality time to go to a garden, touch the flowers and gaze at the night sky with ourselves or the kids. Then where is the peace in life that education was supposed to give us? Didnt we all hear while growing up that if you finish this education your life will be SET!! Why are we still pirsuing happiness then?

The answer seems all within. Quiet those sounds and ask your soul..why are you here, what is your role on this planet..and where are you heading. The answer will come silently and funny enough it will have nothing to do with your achievements ..Happy Talking Within!!

The Years the Journeys and the languages

As i was born in a family with 2 mother tongues I was blessed to be an audience to Malayalam speaking family. Usually our Summers would be spent in the town of Trichur in Kerala. As our entire year would be spent in Ahmedabad known for its hustle bustle loud lifestyle, with multiple eateries and icecream joints, this felt like a retreat(Not that I knew the meaning of this word in my childhood!!) Our maternal home was (and is)  quiet, with the typical stone flooring and slopy tiled roof. The banana trees growing in the backyard, the large mango tree in the front yard, the large wooden armchairs, the cane sofa sets. I gained a lot from the interactions with all my aunts and uncles and cousins. I used to love to hear and interpret and try to speak in this 2nd language.
    The first words that i started to understand were Molu( child), irikyu( sit), paal kudikyu (drink milk). I learnt relationship words like Muthachan (grandfather) Ammamma (grandmother), chechi (sister) and chetan(brother). As I became adept with being with people alone I had to learn the skill of asking for things. So I added Venu( want), Taru (give) to the vocabulary. As the vacations would end so would the language learning. Throughout the year, the only moments to rehearse would be when my uncle and aunt would come visiting us or when mom would talk on the short telephone STD calls to her relatives.
I left Ahmedabad for Pune in 2000 to do MBBS. The first years of independent adulthood are for another blog:) But I hadnt been in such a mixed language culture ever. So now I had roommates, One Bengali and another from Benaras. Had best friends from Ludhiana and Bihar. The Punjabi, Marathi, Oriya, Assamese, Kashmiri, Sindhi, Tamilian, Malayali, Telugu, Hindi (with various dialects like UP hindi, MP hindi, Bihari Hindi), Konkani, Haryanvi. Exposure to different languages made the brain more and more malleable to learn new things.
 In Marathi Ajji is grandmother and Ajoba is grandfather.. Bhau is brother similar to Bhai. Bhabhi is Vahini. Tamil Tata is grandfather and Pati is grandmother...Telugu Nana (grandfather in Hindi) is used for a child lovingly. Also Ammai (which in tamil would be used for mother) can be used for a daughter in Telugu. Nana Also means father in telugu and for Tauji and Chacha they differentiate like Ped Nana and Chinna Nana. Tamblu is brother. Akka is sister in both Tamil and Telugu. But Anna is brother in Tamil!!Phew!!!Still more confusing is the inlaws!! For the first time when I was in Tamilnadu I heard the term Co-sister. I thought it is your cousin sister or something and then realised it is your brother in laws wife!! Mamaiya is used for Father In law and Atta for mother In Law. Dada in gujarati and hindi is grandfather but in marathi and bengali means elder brother.
I learnt through trial and error that Ghasa is throat and has nothing to do with sctaching(ghisna). Pishvi is bag and nothing to with Peshwa a warrior.
In the years later I went to Tamil Nadu and then now in Telangana (Andhra Pradesh earlier). So these words,,,dialects and my understanding of it keeps changing.
Like in Gujarat when you want to exclaim at a profoud statement you say
Sache!!! Na Hoye
In hindi: Sacchi!!
Marathi: Ho kaye!!!
In Tamil: Apdiya!!!
Telugu: Au Naaa!!!

Also things as simple as catching an autorickshaw, you need to change your dialect and words slightly to make the local person understand. Like Rickshaw!!! in Gujarat....
Aaaato In Tamil and Telugu...Rickshaw in Delhi and Chandigarh means Cycle Rickshaw!!!

Keri in gujarat is mango...ripe is keri and unripe is kachi keri
Keri in hindi is unripe mango and aam is ripe mango

When we say things in plural like ''This is our house"'... in Tamil it is Nama (OUR) and Telugu it is Mana( OUR) ...just a change of the direction of words and you will see the person sitting right opposite you not able to comprehend what you say.
In Hyderabad there is yet another dialect of Hindi that I learnt,....the Famous Hyderabadi Hindi!!
So to converse with the local Hyderabadi Urdu speaking community I started adding things like
Kaiku Huye So Nahi Maloom...Pata Karna...
Parso in Hindi is day before yesterday but in Hyderabad I learnt that Parso can mean anything from yesterday to 10 yrs ago. So when patients would say Parson hi test karvaya I would think it meant day before yesterday and learnt through errors that it meant 5 yrs back!
Also I had embarassing moments when naming body parts. Now Naak in Hindi, Gujarati and Marathi meant Nose... so when I said the same I found them taking out their tongue in Tamilnadu... And found that Naak meant tongue in Tamil and Telugu.
I was hearing Telugu for the first time when we had few Telugu patients in Tamilnadu. There was only one male doctor in the clinic where I was posted who knew Telugu. He was a mild mannered Tamilian and I heard him scream loundly Randi!! I was aghast and red faced. How could this mild mannered man swear in front of so many openly!! When I shared this incidence later that day with my Tamilian friend she started laughing!! Randi in Telugu meant come. So when we want somebody to come and sit we would say Randi Kuchandi!! So I liberally use this often prohibited hindi word daily in my practice!!
So many instances like this mark our lives....we learn and mingle and becoming one with where we are and speak the local language and colour in the local colours...after all World is One Family and we all speak the language of love!

A rainbow!!!

It was only recently that I came across this word Atrangi in the song Atrangi Yaari...and my husband went on to explain how it means internal, personal and private!
So that started the conversation within myself that what are the things that are private with most of us! Usually they are the dark and ugly.
The mischiefs your made as a child, the white lies in the teens, those crushes, those heartbreaks. The molestations you faced, the sexist comments, the discriminations! The failed exams, the memory loss in vivas, the failed surgeries, the unsatisfied patient! The fights with parents, the misunderstanding with spouses all this is Atrangi.
The external or outward is the Satrangi that we potray. And we used to platform it to friends and colleagues earlier and now have a platform like the social medium. The smiling selfies, the exotic vacations, the pretty dresses, the professional achievements. That's the Satrangi.
But what bothers us when we sit with ourselves is the Atrangi. We ignore the Satrangi and prode about the Atrangi.
What if we can combine this!! The Atrangi ugliness makes the Satrangi sweetness, sweeter.
We as a human race have been blessed with a memory and an ability to express vocally. We remember the worst memories and express based on that memory. For instance if you have been cheated once, you end up developing that as a filter to see everything. Each interaction you make following that, you fear being cheated and do not allow the opposite person enough chances to rectify mistakes. Rather if we start seeing through cleaned filters, we make our journey easier and enjoy the 99% where we were not cheated and handle the 1% better.
We should not spend time erasing the bad memories. We can never erase memories unlike computers. But we can as humans do a step better than machines...use that memory and build up wonderful memories above that so that that small block of bad memory feels smaller!!! If you can go even a step higher you will be able to give the acknowledgment to the bad memory for the millions of good that happened later.
Every body has had a journey of failures. Why don't you sit and reflect today and see how that journey brought you here...in this very place of achievement, acknowledgement and love.
As a child I used to love the nursery rhyme....For Want of A nail, A shoe was lost:
                                                                         For Want of a shoe, a horse was lost....

It used to always make me wonder as to how for such a small thing like a nail, a battle can be lost.
In the same way, we are allowing our battles to be lost by keeping these small memories in the upper layer of our brain and not utilizing that wonderful art of fixing the nails and enjoying life.
Enjoy the smiles that you share with people, enjoy the conversations, learn from people, talk more, interact more. These are the lessons that life teaches. Learn and live this journey as if there is no other!!
Make the Atrangi Satrangi. A rainbow to be cherished!!