THE YEAR 2023!

 2023 IS officially the most Important Growth year for me. 1983 to 2023! a Freaking 40 yrs of existence! More important to my growth journey than any other year!

They say when you have to leap, you have severe pain, self doubt, displeasure, discomfort and had all of that this year. 

This year tested what I wanted, what I treasured, what I can and cant become and I realised the answers to all those questions dont need to be same. 

I realised that the brain makes you think numerous things when you are awake and dream a million things when you are asleep and all that necessarily will not make true sense and may not be the Best for you!

When you quieten the noise and pull out a paper and write you realities it helps you think better. 

Another thing I had to go through this year is to be in the pain and let it pass. No amount of distracting or running away helps. Infact the more you run, the more it follows. Pain is temporary and joy is too. What is important is to enjoy the ordinary. Like breathing the cool breeze, feeling the sunlight on you skin, taste of pure water and the grass under your feet. These are realities of life that will not change, however much your circumstances change. A person jailed in a high security Jail or a person sitting on the 35th floor of a high rise Office will feel both these things equally. Sometimes the prisoner in the jail may know the value of the simple pleasures and will be in more joy than the New York Banker in his office!

                     

Also this year made me learn Patience! All throughout my life until now, I pretty much Got What I Wanted. I had to work hard for it but then the result always was a given! Like my College Degree, the Postgraduation, the surgical feats, the talks in conferences, the life partner I wanted, the kids when and how many I wanted! Everything was planned and everything was always given! But this year I had to learn to accept the Non Controllables in life. To Surrender. To Wait. To learn. To reinvent. To retouch Base. Many things are NOT Given to Save YOU! and You dont have the wisdom then like HE does. So to smile and look back with gratitude at things NOT GIVEN is a Big learn!

I learnt to Organize my thoughts and My Life! Learnt How Regular Chores can also be your biggest Giftset. Recognize what helps you be your core self and keep doing that. Like I learnt, I Love walks by myself in the sun, I like nice music in the car when I drive, I like to drive, I like to exercise, I like to talk to people and smile and I like to organize drawers, rooms, clothes, clean off dust and generally tidy things. 

What I don't like is to listen to sermon like podcasts, the 5 things to do list, the quick fixes or the never ending reels of instagram! These are energy suckers and don't help in the long run as it does not percolate into the gray matter!

I Loved to see my kids grow this year! And I so them blossom. Both of them have their own core qualities which I am grateful to be a witness of. How each one has their core strengths which if given a chance to cultivate they do it themselves! I Listened and listened and listened and with that I learnt to let go! 

The elder one is innately patient, hardworking and everyone Doer. The younger one is innately smart, observant and want to give a helping hand at everything. These God Given gifts to help them recognise and cultivate is what Is my task! I love being a Mother this year! Seeing them learn independence but still crave for dependence was difficult to see. I worry when self doubt and self hatred creeps into their worlds but these are thorns and weeds which they will learn to pluck out slowly as I still learn to pluck out mine!

Also this is the year that I learnt to modify my palate and have a healthier relationship with food. with no short term goal but only long term goals to have more healthier lives for the everyday is what I aim. So replacing carbs with proteins, replacing masalas with salt and pepper, enjoying the taste of curd and letting go of that severe sugar cravings is what this is turning out to be!

Hoping to cultivate more of that in the coming years! 40s here I come!

Unspoken Words

There is this pause, this space, this breath hold, there is this phase,

When I pause, and you see and you pause and I see;

there is this longing for a beginning,

when ending is closing in;

there is trampling of hopes, dreams and an eternity,

when the wind blows and caresses the hair;

the earth smells of loving care,

when the sun rises and shines in the eyes;

as if waking up that long dead one inside,

the moon when looks over from the sky;

the mind lights up with wisdom in the night,

when celestial bodies talk to your soul;

As if whispering "Lo and Behold",

When Darkness closes in, but shines brightly like a lit up tree;

even the Night sings Memories of the Holy Spirit,

"Who am I" says the voice when everything is quiet;

"You are the chosen one" I hear it right!

WAR

 Yet Another War. A War on Humanity. To separate the perpetrator from the victim is difficult here. I spent the last few days going through horrific stories of violence in Israel and Gaza. The years of oppression in Gaza has finally been given some answer! Call it retaliation, terrorism or mass mentality. 

Human race has been evil. It brought me back to the Gujarat Riots where stories of mass murders, rapes, execution of kids and mutilation of pregnant women was rampant on both sides.

There is this Mass Hatred that we all have against somebody different than us. different colour, race, ethnicity, clothes or food or living style. we hate almost everyone. In India there is North vs south, east vs west, hindu vs muslim, sikh vs hindu, shia vs sunni jain vs hindu, marathi vs bihari, woman vs man, and if nothing then mother in law vs daughter in law. I have myself been a part of many such hatred stories. 

i have been self torturing myself by going through so many accounts of those who escaped in Israel and Gaza from the weapons, missiles, murder weapons! so many accounts of attrocities. so many people who look just like us, who live in houses just like us, kibutz that look like our gated communities villas and apartments which look like our high rise buildings. i envision my family surrounded by guns in home and ambushed, tortured. but that i how human imagination is. i havent been eating and sleeping well. and i now come to the understanding that it is only me who has to stay healthy! to serve, help, to heal this world. i have to do my bit. there is a reason i am not on the side of the evil. God wants me to be good

Till there is hatred there is going to be crimes. amongst these crimes I saw stories of how Doctors volunteered to treat patients in Jerusalem and south Israel and on Gaza border. People without any religion selflessly working for humanity. That gave me hope, that if you atleast stick to humanity, humanity will pervail.

Few things I am going to do myself to get more compassion than hate:

1. Treat everyone with respect. Be kind. As kindness stays

2. Be more religion and race unbiased

3. have less road rage

4. Generally trust people more. Hate comes from believing everyone is evil

5. Teach kids kindness

6. Spread the Light: Talk about the good acts that you saw or heard or did. Share that on dinner tables. Most people are good. I want to believe that.

Also, I just saw a wonderful movie called "A Billion Colour Story" Its a must see for every human on this planet. So beautiful, so stoic and so balanced!

 we need to teach our kids not to hate but love, to smile, to endure. What will happen in their lifetime we do not know, but their niceness will pervail and they maybe able to go from this world doing good for others. 

May there be God, and May he help!

Loneliness- a Boon or Bane

 Alone time is something I have always had. My both parents were busy doctors and I had nobody in the house most of the times, except my brother who much younger than me was more on his own too. So Alone time is what I used to really treasure. In fact on Sundays when all would be home, I would crave for that corner in a room or edge of the sofa and be all by myself. My imaginary kids and houses were always a part of my World. As grew I replaced those pillows with books. Lost in the dream world created by Enid Blyton, I imagined myself cycling up those hills, sitting and sipping cool lemonade and sleeping in tents under the sky like the Famous 5. Ofcourse I also imagined having lot of cousins or siblings or friends, all of which I lacked. But Alone time was so so treasured. 

Then slowly creeped in Television. I could even switch off my imagination and just be lost in the curated world. Also I spent a lot of Alone time chatting with friends on Phone. Real Chatting. We used to talk about everything under the Sun and always leave the House Telephone wet with perspiration but smiles touching the ears. 

i was around 15 when Internet entered my life. Having access and liberty to search anything and everything in the world ate away not only my Alone time but also my Useful or study Time. I was attracted to it like a Moth to light. But I soon understood that I was heavily distracted from normalcy. I didnt enjoy my Real people, Friends or Human company for that matter Anything Real. Then came the kick to suddenly get back to studies and prove myself. And I never had a free time for the next 10 odd years as I entered Medical school and post graduation. During all those arduous years of Studying and exams, I filled all the free time either with my amazing group of friends or books. We had no access to Internet or Telephone for that matter in Hostels. We would have to go to an Internet Cafe to access Internet.  (which was usually a boys zone and supposed to be a scandalous place, so I never went)

I did have a Mobile phone from 2nd year of MBBS but the tariffs were so high that I was strictly Instructed by my parents to not even share the Phone number with anyone. And ofcourse there was no Technology for Internet access on phones for another 5-6 years. It was only after the birth of my first child some 11 years back, when I actually got something called "Empty Time" or Free Time. Little did I know that One feeding Session takes close to an hour and all I had to do then was bare my chest to him and sit. This is when I started slowly and surely feeling Alone. I had lost the art of managing Alone time by this time for more than a decade. I tried reading a book but could not focus. This is when internet filled up these Alone Times. Mommy blogs, Strabismus queries, Interviews, almost everything I lapped up. For the next decade as I was debuting as a mother and a Pediatric Ophthalmologist in a new city, I saw more of these Alone Times. I filled them up with the swipes and clicks and downloads. But I felt more and more Empty. The online world was not filling my time it was depleting my Dopamine. I fell into the slug of adult life and slowly and surely became more Alone. 

Now what happens when you perfect yourself with the Skill of Loneliness, is that you become used to it. i didnt want to venture out or seek company. My kids were my saviors as for their action, I moved. I took them to parks and play areas and so came out of my slumber. But I found very soon this innate desire to go back to the black screen and light it up. 

Loneliness is more of our own Creative rather than the Truth. But isnt everything around also similar. The world is nothing but our Mind's Creative. 

I think i took the wrong route many a time. In my Alone times, I kept myself busy. But soon i recognise that I am just distracting myself away from the Alone time rather than facing it. I cook or clean or listen to music to be in an alternate world, but what this often does is to avoid the Real world. 

The lacuna does come. the silence of the Alone time. The nothingness. but what I really do is that I sit. I close my eyes and Breathe. This allows me to calm down. Get more creative. Get more Thoughts. and generally build up on something optimistically. I realise the chirping of the birds, the rustling of the leaves, the hum of the Fan in the room and I enjoy the Now. And I become less Lonely. Less busy. More at Peace. 

MASCULINITY

What is Masculinity?

For each woman the first Man they know is their Father. A figure who seems "Always Right" "always together". We grow up looking at this in the society and emulating it ourselves. All throughout childhood, I had this insatiable need to be "The Correct One" So be it studies, Dance, Abhinaya, Guests, Hospitality or taking care of Elders or Youngers, I wanted to be only right. This led me to again the unachievable pain of being correct. I felt disappointed by myself many times and felt sad without reason. I was first bit by the sharp pain of achieving Masculinity.

Society has defined Masculinity as loud, ambitious, anger, willpower, rationale thinking, independence and it came from their role as hunters and gatherers. 

Femininity was defined as Intuition, nurturing, emotional, Grace, vulnerability and this came from their role of being the Nurturer. 

But a lot of these roles are so black and white that none of us in todays times fall these categories. We find ourselves greying out and so not belonging. 

2 decades back this knowledge was unavailable and so unknown to many of us. I had a classmate. He was very charming but had a feminine voice and gentle mannerisms. He was always bullied by then hormonally raging men of our class of being an "undefined" and the girls of the class also stayed away because they did not want to associate themselves with anything that was not cool. I felt the sadness of the Definition that day.

Then I met Men. Some who were in love with themselves. Loud, brash and unapologetic. Then some who were Gentle, Caring and wanted to take care of all in the brood. 

And I fell in love with the Feminine Men. 

The Masculinity in men was usually Toxic. Obsessive, Narcissistic, Unapologetic, Emotionally blunted, Manipulative and Dominating. 

The Femininity in men is attractive. They take you and yours in their hood. They listen when you have had a bad day. They let you be, for your to explore yourself. They complain and cry about the world and get up from down there just like you. 

The Side of Men which understands and tries to is much more needed than the one which asserts, schemes, manipulates and conquers. You feel more like a loved one with the former and more like a hunted one with the later. 

The Masculinity in Men is attractive to many. They look powerful & Protective but its a mirage. the Reality of that Masculinity is more toxic. The Protective turns to Possessiveness and then on is a Power Struggle.

So here's to growing Feminine Men. Lets Raise them, Praise them and Date them because the world Needs more of them!

The New Woman

 Here I am. Back from a Break. I thank each one of you who cajoled me, pushed me almost compelled me to start writing again. I have been on a big break from writing, expressing or voicing anything.

It was a self inflicted break. A Pause. A Comma. But many full stops mean continuity.....

Yes. There is a New me. We human grow a new something every day. The White blood cells shed die in 17 days, Red blood cells 120 days and Liver cells 18months! Every 5-6 weeks our skin also recycles but do you know what stays forever are our Brain cells! But we make new connections and delete old ones also all the time! So every Month, Every Day we can have a new us.

What do I share? Where do I even begin?

Well lets begin from here. In the last one year, Russia attacked Ukraine, a minuscule sized country, which retaliated with help from all other Big countries and the fight is still going on. I find them behaving exactly as my 2 kids, not ready to give up or give in or be alone!

The last year, Covid reduced and everything opened up much more. We started enjoying movies yet again and found my Love for movies back after relishing Pathaan. I did not want any cerebral use when I went in to watch unlike the serious, adrenaline thumping stuff on the OTT. I loved the masala, the gorgeous locations and the high action classic drama that Indian movies bring, And I also did not know that I missed the multiplex wala Popcorn so much!

On the multiple cleaning sessions that I do for my home, I found a bundle of masks. What do I do about them. Should I throw them? 

That sounded almost Blasphemous, as if the Covid Virus is lurking somewhere and listening and waiting for the last laugh. Should I wash and store! That seemed too much of an effort. so I just pushed them, further inside the recess of the cupboard so that they don't come lurking again to puzzle my mind. 

This gets me back to Pushing away or Pushing back memories. How many of you have wanted to not remember but remembered! Then got carried away and had misty eyes, bad headaches or even thrown up the nice food you just had! Memories are not stored in cells anatomically, not written on the body unlike tattoos and not carried around like oxygen in our blood, then why do surface and resurface! Well they are encrypted and encoded things in the body. Some smell, some sight, some trigger can get you fresh to that memory much like Google gets to you when you search for some dress online. It is everywhere you see! The Myntra ad will not leave you alone. 

The more you try to erase memories the more they surface! But what you can do with the memories is change the code. Well I learnt Coding! Not the virtual world coding but Real world Coding...To change codes of memories. It is still a task in progress and I will soon come out with a "Masterclass for Uncoding the Memories"😛

Well somethings change and some just don't. What doesn't change in a Parents life is the race from Monday to Friday. The bags and tiffin boxes and the reminders for Homework. The boys have been getting in the normalcy of school in the best way possible. What gets to me are the last minute forms for competitions, the last minute notices for some activity the next day in school or the constant exams that this year the boys' school have started having. I am more on the other side, when I keep telling the boys to take a break or leave away some work....when they are at it till 10pm to complete things!

Also what doesn't change is the Fact that time does run. This year I finished 40 cycles around the Sun. Though It seems a lot, it feels like yesterday when I was walking with my now 88yr old Dadaji to the small Entertainment Zone in Ahmedabad, all excited to sit on the moving monkey or the car ride in the zone. I used to be responsible for the 4 year younger brothers and would be treated by an orange candy bar at the end of this outing. One of this brother is married with 2 kids now and the other is getting married this weekend! Time does Fly but it is Frozen by the most powerful thing, Memories.

So here I am writing away and making New Connections and New Memories for the New Me. Here is my Old Self saying Hi!

The beginning of a New Decade

I am so so beyond Grateful to be here as I start my 5th Decade on this Wonderful Planet. This decade of my 30s has been the most enriching, challenging, gut wrenching,  satisfying and lovely in its own way.

    10years back, entering into my 4th Decade, I had just become a mom. I had just started a career. I had just started staying full time with my second set of parents. I had just gotten used to having my husband around balancing study, work and family. I had just understood that my mental health was challenging. 

    

    On my 30th Birthday, it was pouring, I was late to work as Ansh had been very fussy since morning, I was hungry as I had not had the time to have breakfast, I was sad as I didnt know what were the plans for the evening. I was driving to collect a gift from my parents from someone. I had an episode of extreme road rage which turned against me with the involved person banging across my car door and swearing profanities in midst of bad traffic that rains in Hyderabad bring. I had just managed to reach Nagarjuna circle and I broke down. I was legit crying, howling. I felt let down by the Gods and the World for having to adult. Adulthood was just not like I dreamed about in childhood and I lamented the loss of control that adulthood brings with it. 

    And thus started the decade where I broke down and got up more than I can count. 

    I built my career and Family life bit by bit like an ant. But the difference is that in the million journeys that Ants take to carry something from Point A to Point B they are always in a huge group, but we are usually running solo. We get people who hold our hands and make us walking through the quicksand of life but they are far and few and you are grateful to them in Hindsight. 

    I have so many instances where I thought "This is It" but then those people showed up That Day at That Time and changed the Trajectories of things. One such person was my friend Haritha. I had met her when I was in Postgraduation. She had seen me as a hard working, young girl. And years later she saw me in a conference in Hyderabad. I was lost and directionless professionally and didnt know where to start the race. She held my hand, introduced me to people and I got work at the biggest EyeCare Network in the country. I havent ever met Haritha after that and its been a decade and I do believe she was instrumental in Gods plan for me. 

     Another such incidence happened when I again felt "Cant hang on No more" and all of a sudden the bell rings at home at night. In a new city, we knew no-one so this itself was an odd incidence and there standing was our best friend Mugdha. She had come for a medical conference to the city and had thought of surprising us. I just held her and cried and cried and I do believe the timing couldn't have been more perfect.

    

    I realised the strength of our families also in the last decade. Friends slowly became busier with their lives and there were no new friends being made (its so tough to make genuine friends!), and shined through were our families. When we broke down personally, intellectually, financially or more, there were One Constant and those were mine and his parents. The stoic silence, Unquestioned support and unwavering faith that our families had in us at all times cannot be expressed in words. Faith in our decisions, faith in our work, faith in our unexperienced Parenthood. They have seen it all but allowed us to falter, fall, make mistakes and stand up. And that as a parent myself, I know is so so hard to do.

    I have called Friends in the middle of the night and people have been there. I have told people that I don't want any advise I have just called to cry and people have listened! My Mama has been one such person whom I have made maybe only 3 phone calls in the last 10 years, but those were pivotal moments and he has stood by us! I cant that all those people enough for making me survive!

    This Decade, we became parents to our second one. I remember that my career was just finally looking on track and I had gone to my OBGY on my birthday and told her that I dont plan to have any more kids. She counselled me and told that it is worth that I give it one more thought and that having siblings is really the best thing that could happen to our son. I was too mentally exhausted and wasnt ready. but she said just think over and discuss and give it a try or else we will decide for permanent sterlisation in coming months. And then reluctantly but assuringly I went on to plan my second pregnancy and lo and behold in a month we were pregnant! I cried tears of nervousness and doubts when we found out!I wasnt sure if I could ever love another! Whether I could keep it all together for another baby! But then Amey came, and he just brought it all together. This child was my companion and confidante and he brought all of us together through the thread of love. To see both the boys together and fight, make up and cry each day has been the biggest joy of this decade. 

    I have made some absolutely crazy choices. I discovered many things about myself. I am hard working and confident in many things. But, I have very bad EQ. I cry buckets if there is famine somewhere or if there has been a tragedy. I over do, over please and over compensating just to prove my loyalties to someone, something which has harmed me and my loved ones in more ways than one. I have travelled all over with my work, but then there have been days where I have had to be carried even to the Washroom as my body has given up the will to move!

     All throughout this rollercoaster ride of emotional uproars, my partner and support, Santosh has stood strong. 

His reassuring words of "It will be fine" have held me through the hardest years of my life. I have caused him pain but he has held me inspite of his own pains and that is something I am utterly grateful to the Universe for. 

    What has been toughest to learn this Decade has been "Patience". 20s was all about Cause and Effect. You study then you give exam and you get good marks and then you study again. Performance was rewarded and there was an end goal. 30s I learnt that there was no endgoal at the end of a defined period. Everyday you cook, clean, pack, do surgeries, see patients, do kids homework and put to bed and the cycle repeats. There is no end exam. There is no marks. Its just plain patience of the Everyday. I found it hard to fall into this "Routine". So would postpone my happiness to that holiday, or that special day, or that Conference and then I understood that staying sad and restless for 95% of the time in anticipation of the 5% is pure impractical! So then began the journey of discovering the inner peace which is still on the go!

     I feel I have pained some and hurt some on this journey. I punished myself a lot for this! But I finally learnt I have to let go and let loose of these burdens. I can just say that no hurt was intentional. I Do Wish the Well For All.  There have to be falls and bruises when you Hike a  Mountain!

    So I begin the 5th Decade on this Planet. With utter wonder and gratitude to the Gods above, who held me tight when all could have gone! I will keep walking, keep hiking up and keep getting up after each fall till the winding roads end! I can say today I am much wiser, happier, saner and grounded than I ever Was...Cheers to this!