Love At First Scan

 

Its close to 20 years of having seen my present husband, 19 years of having tried to make the first move and 18 and half years of having coaxed him forcefully to say “I Like You” which in a matter of 8 more hours I got him to Change Like to Love While quoting to my friends how he “Proposed”

“Proposed for what????” was his perplexed question, and I ignoring it completely tried to blush like the Idiot Box Heroines that had romanticized my brains.

Well, his denial was soon converted to delight for the fact that this means He has a girl available to plan his day, his meals, company for movies and eating out forever.

As we continued to be together, suddenly out of the blue I had a severe tummy ache. This happened when we were at the Hospital together attending Pediatrics Clinic. I started limping while going back to the hostel and was very worried. The pain increased till I started feeling nausea. Reaching out to my doctor parents, they gave me some Over the Counter medications and I settled for a bit. Then the next morning, unable to attend the clinics I shifted to his flat for care. With the pain increasing and I throwing up everything I ate, we decided to shift me to the hospital.

Now he was my main care taker and in my romantic brain that seemed kind of nice. Only issue was that the care taker had to talk to my not so pleased father every time before and after Doctor’s rounds. My over protective dad was in dilemma from wanting to say “Stay off my Daughter!!!” to “Stay with her, she might need help” My mother, blabbered, “She has pain, it must be a cyst…Years back someone told us she is clinically PCOD(without ever radiologically finding a cyst in my ovaries)!!!!” From having thought he is dating a smart girl; he definitely must have thought “This is a defective piece with equally crazy parents!!!”

I remember when the Surgeon came to see me, she asked “Did you pass motion?” Here as a new girlfriend, I hadn’t discussed my hopeless bowel habits with the guy. So, I shared that I was eternally constipated specially since hostel days. Then the next question “Are you passing gas?” Now this one I wasn’t going to admit. I thought my existence as a girlfriend and a future “Real” Prospect of Proposal would be in Jeopardy if I admitted to my Farts in front of my Boyfriend. Little did I know that this little Lie would mean they would have a battery of tests ready and a plan of surgery too. They suspected Intestinal Obstruction!!

 Being wheeled to the scan I looked into the mirror in the lift. The hospital gown wrapped around my body, looked like that old Bedsheet that was my mom’s favorite, which camouflages with the background having lost its original colour in multiple laundries. The gown all open from the back, my formless, shapeless body all enwrapped into it, my bloated face from the continuous Intravenous fluids being poured in, and my disheveled hair, I glanced at my guy thinking, “Here goes my chance of having a life long partner. This guy will definitely not stand the ugly Realness of human body and will instead choose that Red Gown, Deep Neckline and Stilettos clad Girl in the junior class!!”

And then came the scan. They asked me to hold the Pee. I drank a lot of water and waited. And Waited…And WAAAAIIITTTED,,, but my turn hadn’t come. Apparently a difficult scan, then an old lady with bursting bladder, then a small child who was sedated…..AND I Waited…

According to my friends it was 20 minutes, but for my bladder it felt like a 20 million hours. AND I HAD TO PEEEEEEEE!!!

He started distracting me with stories of people, juniors, seniors, childhood pranks and even scary horror stories. AND all I could think is I NEED TO PEEEE….

And I heard my name being called for the scan! I went in thankful that I didn’t pee on his pants…That would have been the end of any prospects of me finding love…

For all the medicos reading and still guessing the diagnosis, you know you are geeks just like me. It was post-operative adhesions and got relieved. And for me when I came out of that room and rushed into the bathroom and peed for the next 20 million hours, I saw the stars and professed my Love to the Man over and over again! Well that boyfriend was definitely coaxed and cornered to walk the pheras and become my husband a decade ago!

 

The definition of Success

    My initial years of Life have been spent seeing my Dad as a Physician. Though My mom is also a Pediatrician, being a Daddy's girl I was always affected more by him and imbibed his nature. So throughout life I saw him leave at 7 and come back home at 11 at night. I believe they used to take afternoon breaks but we were always in school so couldn't spend time with him. Also all Sundays (till I was a teen) he worked half days and we celebrated him as a successful physician and so as a successful man. Growing in the 90s where most educated household upheld education and associated Financial Success as the barometer of success in Life, this ideation deeply got absorbed in my mind. 

    As a naive young lady, I believed hard work= success = Financial freedom.

And Hard Work= Unavailability and Being Busy (preempted by what I saw in childhood)

    So I worshipped Workaholics, Nerds, Unavailable individuals.

As Luck would have it I spent my formative education in an Institute which was known for its high volume of patients and completely busy Residency. So the thought that Overwork=Success seeped further in.

    Slowly I myself entered into the Professional World. All throughout the 12 years of training, I had nothing to do with the finances of the services I provided. As a student in institutes which provided nearly Free treatment to the patients, I felt utter shame and guilt for charging for my services.

    I felt extreme hesitation to negotiate my salary or allowances with mostly Non- Medical MBA grads and felt like an Imposter in the system.

    Also, Private practice is not like Institute practice. There was time to dress up in morning before work, time for tea breaks and lunch breaks, something I had never experienced in my training. Also time to chat with Colleagues as you wait for patients. I just felt unsuccessful in my career, inspite of making enough money for our family. I felt I deserve the Money and it didn't give me Happiness too.  When people asked what I did, I felt I work but not Enough!

    This in a sense dissociated me from myself. I felt not good enough, smart enough, busy enough. The very fact that I wasn't occupied 8am to 8pm, I didn't feel Doctor Enough.  

        Until one day, I had a lady who walked in with her child. She was hassled, non attentive, irritable. Her child was special and though she was fully empathic and in love with her boy, she was looking exhausted. I usually talk with the care givers about their health, as I believe if they are well then they will be able to assist in the child's healing too. And she started talking and then ended sobbing. She was TIRED. she was a Software Engineer, who had left it all since 4 years with guilt and despair of having a special child. With no childcare support, she had no other options too. She tumbled down the hill of despair, disillusionment and doubt. With her mental health going down, she couldn't even take her child to therapies due to the fear that ONE new problem would crop up. She was overwhelmed with the whole thing and said that "Madam, if only I could spend 2 hours working, I would start feeling better. I feel worthless and hopeless in my present situation" Though I spent an hour with this lady and her beautiful son, talking, counselling and most importantly Listening (Something that I guessed she wanted), I couldn't help but feel happy that she left lighter and brighter from my consulting room. Though I didn't have much eye care in her son's case, she still remains in touch and drops in to just reconnect and smile. 

    Another incident that shook me is that of a young boy. He was 20 and came with his parents. He has crossed eye and father felt that should be corrected. He was pensive and didn't talk much. As he was an adult, I wanted to make sure if the correction is something that he wants too. He just softly said "What does it matter?" I looked at his dad for more clues and I saw them slowly break down. Slowly the father revealed that their son had just started his first week of college and as he had meritoriously got into a nice Engineering College they felt a lot of happiness and relief that he will feel settled. But he doesn't want to go now and doesn't want to continue the course. They felt his squint would be a point of distress and wanted it cleared.  And then I said something the parents didn't expect, "I said, its ok you want to leave the course." The boy looked up, first time. And then another hour session followed where we talked about bullying, the shame, the imposter syndrome, the feeling of worthlessness. Correlating the Strabismus to Shame is also very common among Young Adults. And I spent time talking about Body positivity and Body Confidence. He listened but didn't talk much and left. I never heard from them. 

    Then suddenly once afternoon I had a confident looking Adult walking in for surgery. After walking him through all the details and the pros and cons of his decision we fixed up a date. Till all this while, I had a feeling I had seen him somewhere but couldn't recollect. Then at the end he smiled "You didn't recognize me did you?"  and then walked in his father. Instantly I recollected our long conversation that day. He said "You don't know yet but you saved my Life. I was suicidal and couldn't work my emotions but just listening to you, I slowly shifted to positivity and today have a job at GOOGLE. So with full positivity, I want to undergo the cosmetic surgery as I deserve It!!!" Tears flowed through my eyes and I didn't try to stop them.

    I realized what all those years of toiling, remaining awake at night, memorizing the Krebs cycle and the Metabolism of Vitamin A and the Mechanism of Action of Dorzolamide and the multiple humiliating Vivas faced in Medicine have done for me. They made me a better, empathic, resilient and tolerant human being with a unique ability to heal. Every life, Every Eye saved is worth it. And I stopped putting a quantity to things like number of patients or Surgeries but each heart healed is my Quality Index. 

I don't mind today if I work only for 4 hours in a day and spend the rest of the time being with my kids, reading a book or going for a run. I don't feel like having to prove myself to anyone except myself and I have made peace with Money and invited it into my life with the understanding that this will be a Power for me to do more Good.  Even if I can Change the perspective of a child going through Bullying, or a mother going through post partum depression or an adult with low self esteem creating havoc in his personal or professional life, I know I have become a good Doctor and more importantly, a good Human being. 

    The culmination of education shouldn't be Becoming a Doctor, Engineer, Scientist or Reporter. The beginning of Adult hood should be with the Barometer, Did you become a Good Human Being doing Good to your fellow Human Beings and the Planet Earth? There are lot of opportunities for every Adult to do good and that will give you happiness and peace that is Ever lasting Unlike your Money in Mutual Funds which will vanish in yet another fancy vacation, car or house!