The Train

 Have you been on a Train! we all Millenials have. That Platform number 6 that you reach after climbing the stairs with your heavy bags and see for the board of AC compartment, walk to the end of the platform as 3AC is always at the end, and then you see the Train chugging along and you wonder whether it will stop at the place marked for AC. When it starts slowing you dont think it will stop at this place and then it slows down and stops right there!

Then you check your name on the torn paper with running out Ink, and you see it right there! You haul your very heavy bags into the narrow space near the toilets and sit on those blue seats and arrange the bags, when everyone is pushing, pulling and sweaty and making loud noises. You then wait and wait and wait and the train starts slowly. You dont look around for almost an hour, and then starts relaxing and smiling back at these strangers. The Aunty of the group breaks the ice and starts a conversation and in 10 hours you feel you have made the best friends on earth! You know them, they know you and you feel this journey will never end! 

And then it does. These people help you out with the luggage and carry things till you alight the steps and have your loved ones waiting and you say GoodBye! Again by the time you reach home, you smile about your partners in the train but you forget and move on!

Life as an adult often reminds me of many such Train Journeys. Filled with hopes and smile and then tears of Good Byes. 

Its just a series of so many Heartbreaks that you are strung on the good moments and hang on to them!

Your Train just moves from one destination to another, with all your heavy baggages and some people help hold that for you and you see some people filtered out of your life. Sometimes for Reason sometimes None. Very few hang on from the train and come back home and linger in your lifes journey as a permanent Passenger!

You Learn to cherish those who hang on! Those who accept your idiosyncraties, those who let you have your bad days and your down times, those who know what exactly to do to cheer you up, what exactly it takes to cheer you up and you can see that your cheer is the only thing they wish for! Its Selfless, Goal Less, Motive Less, just pure comfort!

Ask any girl if the Sharara gives comfort or the sleeveless Pajama and you know the answer!

Wishing you all a sweet pair of Pajamas for Life:)

12th Fail! Story of You and Me!

 Yesterday we managed to see this gem. I would love to go to cinema and see it undisturbed too! Each scene, each line and each camera angle of this movie speaks! This is a story of  al of us. this is a story of the 90s India and Indians. This is the story of  a generation who did the hard Work and told their Kids to do the Hard Work. And they Did!

The story of truth, honesty, loyalty, Self respect that each child coming from the middle class of the 90s had. 

The main character starts off as Manoj, no idenity, invisible young kid, sitting and studying on the roof of the house, away from the difficulties and realities of the house. His identity is lost in the crowd of cheating students. He then becomes an individual as he starts his journey travelling from his home town to Delhi. But still his whole name is never introduced and slowly as the movie builds he becomes Manoj Kumar Sharma. He owns his identity! We all start like that from our humble beginnings, nameless in our schools, faceless in huge classrooms of students in schools and tuitions. And slowly our experiences, education and life makes us our full name. 

There are too many scenes which touch the heart. But to name a few. One character, doesnt make it in his 6th attempt. He has nothing left that is his own. But he sulks for a second and start a tea stall in the area where the students study so that he gives them something and helps another student get closer to his dream. The divide between the Hindi Medium and the English Medium is also so True and so palpable. The vernacular language students, something which was very common in the 90s always started the race a little behind and had so many discriminations against them specially during the Entrance phase of life.

The true love, respect and admiration between Shraddha and Manoj ofcourse stole the show! There is honesty when they look into each others eyes and talk. The scene which touched me the most is when Shraddha surprises him by visiting him the Room with the Flour Mill where he stays. This room is exactly like a place where there are still wheat grinding places that exist. the clothes, the tables and the walls of these places are always covered with dust from the flour and there is loud noise where you have to scream to speak through or be heard. Here she is awkward but is mindful of not offending. She sits where he asks to and asks him how he studies in this Darkness. He brilliantly tells her that there is Darkness only inside not outside. Her desperation to help him but knowing fully that he is a self respecting man who will not take financial help from her is a part so familiar. The part where you love your partner due to his honesty but see him suffering due to that honesty felt close to heart. When trust of a father on his daughter is questioned by a stranger, how the daughter feels let down and how they trust their daughter to do her best also is so nicely potrayed. 

When Manoj get a table and chair and a room to study, thanks to a benovelent friend, I felt my back relaxing and myself feeling that some justice has been done with this hard working boy.

Another scene which really tugged at my heart, is when Manoj visits home after another failed attempt and sits with his mom and starts crying in her lap. She comforts and then all her problems make her start crying and then he comforts her. This is such a brilliant scene that it tugs on the mothers heart!

Another scene where it becomes clear that he is a misfit but has left trying to fit in, is when he read the brilliant note of motivation by Shraddha, where she says she will be with him come what the profession! Then he removes his tight shoes, his coat and the tight tie! we really see the man free of all his primal fears of existence! after trying too hard for the IPS, he lets go in the interview and says even if he doesnt get through the aim was to do good for the country! This is a lived experience where if we "Let go", we let go of all shackles stopping us and then can catapult to whatever heights we desire!

All in all, a brilliant direction shines through! all you learn is RESTART!

The Night that wasnt!

 I now for once realise what it is to be in a Time Machine! We had our MBBS batch reunion last weekend in Delhi. This had been in planning for months! As always in adult lives, we had a lot left to last minute surprises and were always ready for this not to materialize!

So for that we had to first guilt free plan our first solo couples trip! Letting all the caregivers and the kids involved know that this is Mummy and Papa actually going to do something for their own happiness was in itself a task!

So there could be a million things that could have gone wrong, like kids falling sick, kids having an exam, an important birthday party, a last minute emergency in hospital, one of us falling sick and worse....All this was constantly on my mind since a week upto it. Convincing all our friends to make that trip was also a long and arduous task.  

Things did go wrong.  I fell sick... Our flight got delayed.... But we made it. Getting ready in less than 5 min and going to the place where our reunion was is something our Medical training has trained us to do. Dress, reach OR, dress out, Reach OPD, reach home and dress out and become the "Mummy" So role change is something we were used to. But we were not used to being in a time machine.

 I was anxious, "what will I talk?", "will people recognise me?" "I have completely changed!" "I dont know what to say!" 

With this I entered the Hall and Lo and Behold, That first smile and hug by Whoever was standing first, just broke the ice. I was the same "coolaloka" again and not the boring dralokahedau.

 "Hey Kaisi Hai!!!" "So Nice to see you!!"  All the bear hugs that we gave each other that night showed that nothing has changed and all has at the same time. We realised that we were very much our old selves and our Now 'OLD'selves were more outright, more socially free and without the awkwardness that we had as shy and young individuals. There was no fakeness. We genuinely liked the room we were in, liked the people we were surrounded by, loved the music that made sense to our ears and were liberated from the routine Masks that we all wear as Medical professionals.

 We sang loud, screamed loud, got drunk loud and Sweared unabashed. We were in a "Safe Space" where we had people who were watching our back!

Spouses (outside the batch) of our batchmates are to be given full credit here. They helped plan, organise and made it happen for peeps amongst us to get sloshed and have a good time. Learnt what "supporting each other" actually meant!

For us, spouses who are married in the batch, Komal-Arpan, Soumya-Jenil, Jindal-Preethi, me and Santosh, it was like Marriage Therapy! It took our grey cells back so many years that we could see how we fell in love with our younger versions, we saw each other smiling and enjoying seeing each other having a good time and how we have hung on and remain committed to the 23.0 version too! 

I saw many of us "drunk and not" confessing old crushes too! It was fun to see how people unassumingly said, I used to like you so much to people!!!

I am sure all of us from the Reunion Night are in severe withdrawal of love, familiarity and laughter!

One thing that we all can take from this is that "Love is Constant" We just need to reach out and hold hands and we see that all are in the same boat!

 This is a tough season in life for all of us, aging parents, young kids, growing careers and growing angst and darkness! 

But what is that bright light at the end of the tunnel is Tiwari giving you Bear hugs, Sahar making sure all the orders are in, Santosh and Jindal discussing Serious stuff, Jaggi and Shivendra dancing away with classic moves, Pooja pulling all and making sure all dance, GPS changing the music, Neeraj and Dolly balancing their glasses on their heads,  Dhwani recording it all on her phone, Tania cracking a joke and Darling Mugdha and Komal holding my hand through the night! 

                             

As we come back to the kids and patients we realise we are smiling much more and are happier individuals due to that night!

PS: Thanks to all who sat on that table and said I should write more! this turns out to be the first blog of 2024!

C ya guys in 2025!😍💃

THE YEAR 2023!

 2023 IS officially the most Important Growth year for me. 1983 to 2023! a Freaking 40 yrs of existence! More important to my growth journey than any other year!

They say when you have to leap, you have severe pain, self doubt, displeasure, discomfort and had all of that this year. 

This year tested what I wanted, what I treasured, what I can and cant become and I realised the answers to all those questions dont need to be same. 

I realised that the brain makes you think numerous things when you are awake and dream a million things when you are asleep and all that necessarily will not make true sense and may not be the Best for you!

When you quieten the noise and pull out a paper and write you realities it helps you think better. 

Another thing I had to go through this year is to be in the pain and let it pass. No amount of distracting or running away helps. Infact the more you run, the more it follows. Pain is temporary and joy is too. What is important is to enjoy the ordinary. Like breathing the cool breeze, feeling the sunlight on you skin, taste of pure water and the grass under your feet. These are realities of life that will not change, however much your circumstances change. A person jailed in a high security Jail or a person sitting on the 35th floor of a high rise Office will feel both these things equally. Sometimes the prisoner in the jail may know the value of the simple pleasures and will be in more joy than the New York Banker in his office!

                     

Also this year made me learn Patience! All throughout my life until now, I pretty much Got What I Wanted. I had to work hard for it but then the result always was a given! Like my College Degree, the Postgraduation, the surgical feats, the talks in conferences, the life partner I wanted, the kids when and how many I wanted! Everything was planned and everything was always given! But this year I had to learn to accept the Non Controllables in life. To Surrender. To Wait. To learn. To reinvent. To retouch Base. Many things are NOT Given to Save YOU! and You dont have the wisdom then like HE does. So to smile and look back with gratitude at things NOT GIVEN is a Big learn!

I learnt to Organize my thoughts and My Life! Learnt How Regular Chores can also be your biggest Giftset. Recognize what helps you be your core self and keep doing that. Like I learnt, I Love walks by myself in the sun, I like nice music in the car when I drive, I like to drive, I like to exercise, I like to talk to people and smile and I like to organize drawers, rooms, clothes, clean off dust and generally tidy things. 

What I don't like is to listen to sermon like podcasts, the 5 things to do list, the quick fixes or the never ending reels of instagram! These are energy suckers and don't help in the long run as it does not percolate into the gray matter!

I Loved to see my kids grow this year! And I so them blossom. Both of them have their own core qualities which I am grateful to be a witness of. How each one has their core strengths which if given a chance to cultivate they do it themselves! I Listened and listened and listened and with that I learnt to let go! 

The elder one is innately patient, hardworking and everyone Doer. The younger one is innately smart, observant and want to give a helping hand at everything. These God Given gifts to help them recognise and cultivate is what Is my task! I love being a Mother this year! Seeing them learn independence but still crave for dependence was difficult to see. I worry when self doubt and self hatred creeps into their worlds but these are thorns and weeds which they will learn to pluck out slowly as I still learn to pluck out mine!

Also this is the year that I learnt to modify my palate and have a healthier relationship with food. with no short term goal but only long term goals to have more healthier lives for the everyday is what I aim. So replacing carbs with proteins, replacing masalas with salt and pepper, enjoying the taste of curd and letting go of that severe sugar cravings is what this is turning out to be!

Hoping to cultivate more of that in the coming years! 40s here I come!

Unspoken Words

There is this pause, this space, this breath hold, there is this phase,

When I pause, and you see and you pause and I see;

there is this longing for a beginning,

when ending is closing in;

there is trampling of hopes, dreams and an eternity,

when the wind blows and caresses the hair;

the earth smells of loving care,

when the sun rises and shines in the eyes;

as if waking up that long dead one inside,

the moon when looks over from the sky;

the mind lights up with wisdom in the night,

when celestial bodies talk to your soul;

As if whispering "Lo and Behold",

When Darkness closes in, but shines brightly like a lit up tree;

even the Night sings Memories of the Holy Spirit,

"Who am I" says the voice when everything is quiet;

"You are the chosen one" I hear it right!

WAR

 Yet Another War. A War on Humanity. To separate the perpetrator from the victim is difficult here. I spent the last few days going through horrific stories of violence in Israel and Gaza. The years of oppression in Gaza has finally been given some answer! Call it retaliation, terrorism or mass mentality. 

Human race has been evil. It brought me back to the Gujarat Riots where stories of mass murders, rapes, execution of kids and mutilation of pregnant women was rampant on both sides.

There is this Mass Hatred that we all have against somebody different than us. different colour, race, ethnicity, clothes or food or living style. we hate almost everyone. In India there is North vs south, east vs west, hindu vs muslim, sikh vs hindu, shia vs sunni jain vs hindu, marathi vs bihari, woman vs man, and if nothing then mother in law vs daughter in law. I have myself been a part of many such hatred stories. 

i have been self torturing myself by going through so many accounts of those who escaped in Israel and Gaza from the weapons, missiles, murder weapons! so many accounts of attrocities. so many people who look just like us, who live in houses just like us, kibutz that look like our gated communities villas and apartments which look like our high rise buildings. i envision my family surrounded by guns in home and ambushed, tortured. but that i how human imagination is. i havent been eating and sleeping well. and i now come to the understanding that it is only me who has to stay healthy! to serve, help, to heal this world. i have to do my bit. there is a reason i am not on the side of the evil. God wants me to be good

Till there is hatred there is going to be crimes. amongst these crimes I saw stories of how Doctors volunteered to treat patients in Jerusalem and south Israel and on Gaza border. People without any religion selflessly working for humanity. That gave me hope, that if you atleast stick to humanity, humanity will pervail.

Few things I am going to do myself to get more compassion than hate:

1. Treat everyone with respect. Be kind. As kindness stays

2. Be more religion and race unbiased

3. have less road rage

4. Generally trust people more. Hate comes from believing everyone is evil

5. Teach kids kindness

6. Spread the Light: Talk about the good acts that you saw or heard or did. Share that on dinner tables. Most people are good. I want to believe that.

Also, I just saw a wonderful movie called "A Billion Colour Story" Its a must see for every human on this planet. So beautiful, so stoic and so balanced!

 we need to teach our kids not to hate but love, to smile, to endure. What will happen in their lifetime we do not know, but their niceness will pervail and they maybe able to go from this world doing good for others. 

May there be God, and May he help!

Loneliness- a Boon or Bane

 Alone time is something I have always had. My both parents were busy doctors and I had nobody in the house most of the times, except my brother who much younger than me was more on his own too. So Alone time is what I used to really treasure. In fact on Sundays when all would be home, I would crave for that corner in a room or edge of the sofa and be all by myself. My imaginary kids and houses were always a part of my World. As grew I replaced those pillows with books. Lost in the dream world created by Enid Blyton, I imagined myself cycling up those hills, sitting and sipping cool lemonade and sleeping in tents under the sky like the Famous 5. Ofcourse I also imagined having lot of cousins or siblings or friends, all of which I lacked. But Alone time was so so treasured. 

Then slowly creeped in Television. I could even switch off my imagination and just be lost in the curated world. Also I spent a lot of Alone time chatting with friends on Phone. Real Chatting. We used to talk about everything under the Sun and always leave the House Telephone wet with perspiration but smiles touching the ears. 

i was around 15 when Internet entered my life. Having access and liberty to search anything and everything in the world ate away not only my Alone time but also my Useful or study Time. I was attracted to it like a Moth to light. But I soon understood that I was heavily distracted from normalcy. I didnt enjoy my Real people, Friends or Human company for that matter Anything Real. Then came the kick to suddenly get back to studies and prove myself. And I never had a free time for the next 10 odd years as I entered Medical school and post graduation. During all those arduous years of Studying and exams, I filled all the free time either with my amazing group of friends or books. We had no access to Internet or Telephone for that matter in Hostels. We would have to go to an Internet Cafe to access Internet.  (which was usually a boys zone and supposed to be a scandalous place, so I never went)

I did have a Mobile phone from 2nd year of MBBS but the tariffs were so high that I was strictly Instructed by my parents to not even share the Phone number with anyone. And ofcourse there was no Technology for Internet access on phones for another 5-6 years. It was only after the birth of my first child some 11 years back, when I actually got something called "Empty Time" or Free Time. Little did I know that One feeding Session takes close to an hour and all I had to do then was bare my chest to him and sit. This is when I started slowly and surely feeling Alone. I had lost the art of managing Alone time by this time for more than a decade. I tried reading a book but could not focus. This is when internet filled up these Alone Times. Mommy blogs, Strabismus queries, Interviews, almost everything I lapped up. For the next decade as I was debuting as a mother and a Pediatric Ophthalmologist in a new city, I saw more of these Alone Times. I filled them up with the swipes and clicks and downloads. But I felt more and more Empty. The online world was not filling my time it was depleting my Dopamine. I fell into the slug of adult life and slowly and surely became more Alone. 

Now what happens when you perfect yourself with the Skill of Loneliness, is that you become used to it. i didnt want to venture out or seek company. My kids were my saviors as for their action, I moved. I took them to parks and play areas and so came out of my slumber. But I found very soon this innate desire to go back to the black screen and light it up. 

Loneliness is more of our own Creative rather than the Truth. But isnt everything around also similar. The world is nothing but our Mind's Creative. 

I think i took the wrong route many a time. In my Alone times, I kept myself busy. But soon i recognise that I am just distracting myself away from the Alone time rather than facing it. I cook or clean or listen to music to be in an alternate world, but what this often does is to avoid the Real world. 

The lacuna does come. the silence of the Alone time. The nothingness. but what I really do is that I sit. I close my eyes and Breathe. This allows me to calm down. Get more creative. Get more Thoughts. and generally build up on something optimistically. I realise the chirping of the birds, the rustling of the leaves, the hum of the Fan in the room and I enjoy the Now. And I become less Lonely. Less busy. More at Peace.