The Thrill of a Game

    Life is a Snakes and Ladders Game! You are always enthusiastic in the beginning to see the short checkerboard with apparently short journey from 1 to 100. And then on the first throw of Dice you get a 6 and feel you are on a great start! and then you climb and suddenly a Snake bites you are down you go through the Tail of the Snake, again right where you began. And you feel sad you came down but More Sad that your opponent is climbing the ladders and then, there the snake strikes and you see your opponent too sliding down. The Human Emotions of Greed, Pride, Ego, Guilt, Jealousy, Self reflection and Repentance are such that each one of us will be experiencing the shades of this at different times in life!

    We feel we have learnt it all and Lo and Behold there is something more to Learn. As my Grandfather usually says, as he is rocking himself on the Wooden Swing (Jhoola), "Everything Gets you nearer to God, the Truth"

    I have always been more of a thinker as long as I can remember. Even when I was a young girl, I remember seeing a Cow coming every day to our apartment, I would cry thinking she is so hungry and I would take one Roti out of the Roti box and feed her. Everyday, Rotis were made by the count by the cook and so when Mom would come from the hospital, she would find one roti less. I would feign that I wasnt hungry and not eat a roti to feed the cow. Of course my Super Mom understood and warned me against doing that!

    But my sensitivity and empathy got me to wrong places too. Having this innate need to make everyone around me a little happeir made me a Serial People Pleaser. I couldnt stand if some teacher or colleague or family member did not like me. I would over do and burn myself in an attempt to make him or her like me. This again and again made me stand in the middle of the firing range! Taking all the bullets on myself was self torturous and traumatic. 

    In adult hood, with a career and marriage starting at the same time, this led me to a deeper pit. I think I started caring less for the people who already liked/loved me and died for making people who dont, start liking me. This burns your candles on both ends with endless guilt of letting down your loved ones and endless frustration for not making people convert. With self hatred and critical talk that constantly goes on in the Mind, it leads you to a dark pit with not much left to smile about. 

    There was a point in time where I wanted to erase everything I knew and start right over. My muddled brain led me to believe in the Make Believe and the Fantasy took over. The funny part was that the "Present" was not Bad, but just wanting an escape from the reality is what drove me to jump on the alternate path! But as Life is, the Snake bit. Down the Tail we come, bruised and battered, with little self esteem left to stand up on the 2 feet. Lying down on your back, with the sun shining bright but hurting your swollen eyes, you pray for the Darkness to come and make you peaceful. The fight between the Sun and the Dark continues where you dont want the nights to end, because they give you the Quiet, Comfort and Solace. But these Dark Nights of the Soul are the ones where Healing occurs. Slowly and surely, the dreams and fantasies, engulf you and heal your inner child that needed just that comfort of the hug and not the escape to an Amusement Park! The adrenaline subsides and the Dopamine starts and you start looking out for the Sun!

    The Brave Young Girl returns. She is still wobbly in the feet and giddy in the head and wants to not look at herself on most days out of guilt and repentance. But then she looks in her eyes in the mirror, to see the girl who fed the cow. Today she is hungry, tired and needs to be fed and this woman in me turns empathic towards the Girl reflection and hugs herself and makes the feet stand once more with enough power to walk towards the Sun. God Guides by making her braver at each step. Proding, pushing and pulling to the Right Direction.  The Heart knows it all, talking to it more gives you all the answers you want. 

    The rest as they say is History! It teaches and you Learn and again climb the Ladder well aware there there is a Snake who needs to be respected and tamed! 

    The cyclical worlds continues where the Sun always shines even after a No Moon Night. The birds chirp and get to their work and the Waters stand still holding their water for the Sun to Quench its thirst! And you my friend, are just a speck in this Universe who already has all the answers but waits for you to be ready for it! Brave on Little One!

    

    

Mother. Mumma

 As a young girl I never had maternal instincts. I guess I was struggling as an elder sister and hated to be a carer. It was never in my life plans. My life plans had romantic DDLJ moments but never the after. 

Me and husband dated for a good 8yrs before we hitched. But I don't think even after marriage we got serious into thinking of motherhood. We knew it was the next step but I had never romanticized it or even prepped for it. My prep was always for the new book, new knowledge, new surgery as a budding doctor. So as planned and wanted my pregnancy was it was really not the main focus. I took a break from the profession at 6th month of my first pregnancy. That was not because I had planned it but we were changing cities and I thought I might as well take a break and be with my parents. It was really a good time! After 12yrs of being away from home that was the first time I got to spend guilt free time with my parents and grandfather. (Before that it was always coming home but studying for some exams. So no free time)

I enjoyed my first pregnancy thoroughly. Always over fed, laughing to shows on Comedy central and making up for a decade of lost sleep. 

But still through this I hadn't imagined what it would be to be a mother. 

Ansh came, pulled out dramatically from my tummy. I saw him through those green towels. All wrapped in blood and amniotic fluid. Crying loud. Almost crying loud to say Hi Mumma!

I had a gush of emotions like none other. My eyes welled up with Happy tears, my neck choked, my breast swelled with incoming milk and I BECAME A MOTHER!

Motherhood has been life changing for me. I met women with a different eye. I empathise differently. I developed 6th sense. I developed  a strong intuition. I grew a tigress mother's fighting instincts and  the timindness of a sheep. I didn't ever have patience in life, but I just developed that new neural pathway. 

When my second one came along I was again unprepared but pleasantly surprised. He made me a Queen. The gentleness, care and concern that he shows me on a daily basis is true unconditional love that I had never experienced. 

It's always said that Mother's love to kids is unconditional but I believe kids love to their mother is unconditional too. They go through the life's tides with us. They are patient through our life crises. Wait for us to finish all tasks and then cater to them. Know that many a days they will not be a priority and the patient, parents or mom's friends will come before us. But still they love through and each night close their eyes and genuinely say "I love you Mumma"

It's been this exquisite Bond which has made me go through the deepest and darkest times as their faces glowing with those bright eyes and wide arms waiting to be with me, pulls me out! I really believe with all my strength that God sent them as a sign that HE is around. 

As all mothers I am guilty of not being patient enough, polite enough, kind enough, gentle enough, non judgemental enough and not to have Time Enough. But my guilt drives me to Love them Enough when I can and hold them closer till I can. 

This Mother's Day more than ever I thank God for helping me do my best for my kiddos and for all the kids who take treatment from me as I know they all  deserve the best and more.

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY TO ALL LOVELY MOTHERS. Please believe, YOU ARE DOING YOUR BEST

The Train

 Have you been on a Train! we all Millenials have. That Platform number 6 that you reach after climbing the stairs with your heavy bags and see for the board of AC compartment, walk to the end of the platform as 3AC is always at the end, and then you see the Train chugging along and you wonder whether it will stop at the place marked for AC. When it starts slowing you dont think it will stop at this place and then it slows down and stops right there!

Then you check your name on the torn paper with running out Ink, and you see it right there! You haul your very heavy bags into the narrow space near the toilets and sit on those blue seats and arrange the bags, when everyone is pushing, pulling and sweaty and making loud noises. You then wait and wait and wait and the train starts slowly. You dont look around for almost an hour, and then starts relaxing and smiling back at these strangers. The Aunty of the group breaks the ice and starts a conversation and in 10 hours you feel you have made the best friends on earth! You know them, they know you and you feel this journey will never end! 

And then it does. These people help you out with the luggage and carry things till you alight the steps and have your loved ones waiting and you say GoodBye! Again by the time you reach home, you smile about your partners in the train but you forget and move on!

Life as an adult often reminds me of many such Train Journeys. Filled with hopes and smile and then tears of Good Byes. 

Its just a series of so many Heartbreaks that you are strung on the good moments and hang on to them!

Your Train just moves from one destination to another, with all your heavy baggages and some people help hold that for you and you see some people filtered out of your life. Sometimes for Reason sometimes None. Very few hang on from the train and come back home and linger in your lifes journey as a permanent Passenger!

You Learn to cherish those who hang on! Those who accept your idiosyncraties, those who let you have your bad days and your down times, those who know what exactly to do to cheer you up, what exactly it takes to cheer you up and you can see that your cheer is the only thing they wish for! Its Selfless, Goal Less, Motive Less, just pure comfort!

Ask any girl if the Sharara gives comfort or the sleeveless Pajama and you know the answer!

Wishing you all a sweet pair of Pajamas for Life:)

12th Fail! Story of You and Me!

 Yesterday we managed to see this gem. I would love to go to cinema and see it undisturbed too! Each scene, each line and each camera angle of this movie speaks! This is a story of  al of us. this is a story of the 90s India and Indians. This is the story of  a generation who did the hard Work and told their Kids to do the Hard Work. And they Did!

The story of truth, honesty, loyalty, Self respect that each child coming from the middle class of the 90s had. 

The main character starts off as Manoj, no idenity, invisible young kid, sitting and studying on the roof of the house, away from the difficulties and realities of the house. His identity is lost in the crowd of cheating students. He then becomes an individual as he starts his journey travelling from his home town to Delhi. But still his whole name is never introduced and slowly as the movie builds he becomes Manoj Kumar Sharma. He owns his identity! We all start like that from our humble beginnings, nameless in our schools, faceless in huge classrooms of students in schools and tuitions. And slowly our experiences, education and life makes us our full name. 

There are too many scenes which touch the heart. But to name a few. One character, doesnt make it in his 6th attempt. He has nothing left that is his own. But he sulks for a second and start a tea stall in the area where the students study so that he gives them something and helps another student get closer to his dream. The divide between the Hindi Medium and the English Medium is also so True and so palpable. The vernacular language students, something which was very common in the 90s always started the race a little behind and had so many discriminations against them specially during the Entrance phase of life.

The true love, respect and admiration between Shraddha and Manoj ofcourse stole the show! There is honesty when they look into each others eyes and talk. The scene which touched me the most is when Shraddha surprises him by visiting him the Room with the Flour Mill where he stays. This room is exactly like a place where there are still wheat grinding places that exist. the clothes, the tables and the walls of these places are always covered with dust from the flour and there is loud noise where you have to scream to speak through or be heard. Here she is awkward but is mindful of not offending. She sits where he asks to and asks him how he studies in this Darkness. He brilliantly tells her that there is Darkness only inside not outside. Her desperation to help him but knowing fully that he is a self respecting man who will not take financial help from her is a part so familiar. The part where you love your partner due to his honesty but see him suffering due to that honesty felt close to heart. When trust of a father on his daughter is questioned by a stranger, how the daughter feels let down and how they trust their daughter to do her best also is so nicely potrayed. 

When Manoj get a table and chair and a room to study, thanks to a benovelent friend, I felt my back relaxing and myself feeling that some justice has been done with this hard working boy.

Another scene which really tugged at my heart, is when Manoj visits home after another failed attempt and sits with his mom and starts crying in her lap. She comforts and then all her problems make her start crying and then he comforts her. This is such a brilliant scene that it tugs on the mothers heart!

Another scene where it becomes clear that he is a misfit but has left trying to fit in, is when he read the brilliant note of motivation by Shraddha, where she says she will be with him come what the profession! Then he removes his tight shoes, his coat and the tight tie! we really see the man free of all his primal fears of existence! after trying too hard for the IPS, he lets go in the interview and says even if he doesnt get through the aim was to do good for the country! This is a lived experience where if we "Let go", we let go of all shackles stopping us and then can catapult to whatever heights we desire!

All in all, a brilliant direction shines through! all you learn is RESTART!

The Night that wasnt!

 I now for once realise what it is to be in a Time Machine! We had our MBBS batch reunion last weekend in Delhi. This had been in planning for months! As always in adult lives, we had a lot left to last minute surprises and were always ready for this not to materialize!

So for that we had to first guilt free plan our first solo couples trip! Letting all the caregivers and the kids involved know that this is Mummy and Papa actually going to do something for their own happiness was in itself a task!

So there could be a million things that could have gone wrong, like kids falling sick, kids having an exam, an important birthday party, a last minute emergency in hospital, one of us falling sick and worse....All this was constantly on my mind since a week upto it. Convincing all our friends to make that trip was also a long and arduous task.  

Things did go wrong.  I fell sick... Our flight got delayed.... But we made it. Getting ready in less than 5 min and going to the place where our reunion was is something our Medical training has trained us to do. Dress, reach OR, dress out, Reach OPD, reach home and dress out and become the "Mummy" So role change is something we were used to. But we were not used to being in a time machine.

 I was anxious, "what will I talk?", "will people recognise me?" "I have completely changed!" "I dont know what to say!" 

With this I entered the Hall and Lo and Behold, That first smile and hug by Whoever was standing first, just broke the ice. I was the same "coolaloka" again and not the boring dralokahedau.

 "Hey Kaisi Hai!!!" "So Nice to see you!!"  All the bear hugs that we gave each other that night showed that nothing has changed and all has at the same time. We realised that we were very much our old selves and our Now 'OLD'selves were more outright, more socially free and without the awkwardness that we had as shy and young individuals. There was no fakeness. We genuinely liked the room we were in, liked the people we were surrounded by, loved the music that made sense to our ears and were liberated from the routine Masks that we all wear as Medical professionals.

 We sang loud, screamed loud, got drunk loud and Sweared unabashed. We were in a "Safe Space" where we had people who were watching our back!

Spouses (outside the batch) of our batchmates are to be given full credit here. They helped plan, organise and made it happen for peeps amongst us to get sloshed and have a good time. Learnt what "supporting each other" actually meant!

For us, spouses who are married in the batch, Komal-Arpan, Soumya-Jenil, Jindal-Preethi, me and Santosh, it was like Marriage Therapy! It took our grey cells back so many years that we could see how we fell in love with our younger versions, we saw each other smiling and enjoying seeing each other having a good time and how we have hung on and remain committed to the 23.0 version too! 

I saw many of us "drunk and not" confessing old crushes too! It was fun to see how people unassumingly said, I used to like you so much to people!!!

I am sure all of us from the Reunion Night are in severe withdrawal of love, familiarity and laughter!

One thing that we all can take from this is that "Love is Constant" We just need to reach out and hold hands and we see that all are in the same boat!

 This is a tough season in life for all of us, aging parents, young kids, growing careers and growing angst and darkness! 

But what is that bright light at the end of the tunnel is Tiwari giving you Bear hugs, Sahar making sure all the orders are in, Santosh and Jindal discussing Serious stuff, Jaggi and Shivendra dancing away with classic moves, Pooja pulling all and making sure all dance, GPS changing the music, Neeraj and Dolly balancing their glasses on their heads,  Dhwani recording it all on her phone, Tania cracking a joke and Darling Mugdha and Komal holding my hand through the night! 

                             

As we come back to the kids and patients we realise we are smiling much more and are happier individuals due to that night!

PS: Thanks to all who sat on that table and said I should write more! this turns out to be the first blog of 2024!

C ya guys in 2025!😍💃