I love you Baby!

 

I remember as a 7 year old. I would stand in front of the mirror with my school dress on. It was a white shirt and Blue skirt. We had only one full size mirror in the house and I never liked to see myself in it. I sucked in my tummy. I don’t know how and why the idea of body type entered my brain. I don’t remember anything very consciously for the first 5 years of my life. But slowly and surely, I had the influence of people, their comments, my Grandfather’s snide remarks about weight and the media in the form of Filmfare or Femina Magazine which was a monthly subscription at home.

We had a school Autorickshaw to go to school. And the norm was that the smaller kids would sit on the elder kids to go to school. With limited capacity in an autorickshaw, the drivers made sure to pile up kids over each other for him to take a full trip of atleast 20 kids. As a younger kid, I would be so conscious of myself, that I would not sit fully on the elder girls’ lap, I would stand on my toes in a half sitting posture to make her believe that That was my full weight. I somehow felt I would break someone’s legs with my weight!

I was a well built girl, not obese I would say. I danced well and was in Bharatnatyam Training since 5 years of age. So I was flexible and had the speed with my feet. I remember being bullied by my brothers constantly about my weight. I don’t know how they, at such a young age again had misconceptions about weight. In school, a guy who apparently appeared to like me, at age 12,  once called me TunTun. I didn’t know who she was, and then my grandfather showed me a picture and said she was the comedy queen of Hindi cinema and all jokes were made due to her weight. I got shattered again.

I never felt comfortable in my body. I never ofcourse talked to anybody about this. I sucked my tummy in, didn’t like to be photographed and was very aware of myself when in school parties. I think also parallelly there was apparent and subtle bullying about my weight. I felt people thought I constantly ate a lot, didn’t exercise and generally was lethargic. I hid myself, self harmed, hid and ate and in general didnt like people, as I felt most are bullies. Also we lived in an isolated place and we had never had kids to play with, so I had no friend outside the house to play or share with. As years passed, there came another aspect to the body shaming. I was cat called on roads even as an 8th grader! I felt horrified when at a Water park with my family in 8th grade, someone attempted molestation! Right with my dad beside me and my mom outside the pool! Also add to that, horrifying molestation by my tuition teacher! I couldnt take it. I felt there was definitely something wrong with my body. It didnt attract the attention I wanted and pulled all the wrong attention!

    In the pain of that, I studied a lot. I felt the only way to get attention in a good way was my ranks and grades. I would read and learn and practice and write. I always felt that I wanted to prove a point to myself and my family and others.

Added to all this was the fact that my parents were blind in their love towards me. So there was complete denial and they always went on saying that my weight was just fine. That should have been enough but I felt that was a denial. I had severe hormonal issues. I remember having Periods once in 6 months. Once I remember having a period that went on for close to a month. But inspite of being a Medical student by then, there had been no occasion or discussion about Healthy Diet and Body Love. I didn’t know what exercise was. As I traded Bharatnatyam in Class 12 for more time to study the little movement with my body that I enjoyed was also gone.

    Now I had added unhealthy eating to the whole thing. Hostel food was just about enough nutritious to survive. The outside food was always oily, masala and tasty. The poor sleep, excessive stress of grades and marks in Medical School added another layer of crises to this existing problem. I left Myself out of the whole picture between 16 and 26 years of age and went on studying and giving one exam after the other and postponed the goal of a healthy, balanced life to the next level.

All throughout from 18years onwards I had my partner, then boyfriend, later husband in my journey. He was the first person to love me, appreciate me, serenade me for the person I was. Weight or not, for the first time I felt that I could finally sit with my full weight on someone, rest on someone with my full heart and ask someone to lift all of me when I fell. This complete acceptance started lifting the baggage of the past. I felt Soul Connected with someone and even though physical bodies connect as a couple, the complete facade that I held for the world, didnt have to be on with this man! 

Wedding

Motherhood happened when I was 29years. I got back to work when my kid was 6 months. Adding the extra stress of motherhood and adjusting to a new family and new career, my health deteriorated further. I have written enough and more about my mental breakup during that time

After my first born

. But this is the time we became aware of the role of food, energies, exercise in general well being. I lived better, loved fuller and tried to attend some sense to my erroneous choices around myself. 

Then the second child came in and I felt better than ever. With my husband himself starting to run, he motivated me and supported to take care my 8 month baby, to enroll in a running academy where we had an hour long training in the morning. I felt liberated while running. I had never played sports in school and avoided going to school on sports day. So I never believed as an adult in my 30s I would finally like to be on my 2 feet and feel so good. It brought a different sense of well being. I ate better, slept better, felt better and was a better mother and Doctor. Its been 3 years on, and there have been many pauses to fitness. But we both have continued to strive towards healthy mind and body.

With my Motivational Gurus: Papa and Santosh

Cult Fit online classes-that got me through Lockdown

It was just the other day when I stood in front of that full size mirror and looked at myself and marveled at what all this body had been through. One emergency appendix removal, one adhesiolysis, multiple attacks of Asthma, 2 Caesarian sections, One breast abscess removal and One Lymph node removal, with one course of Anti Tuberculosis medications for 9 months with Liver toxicity and years of medications for improving Mental Health. And there with my short height, pudgy abdomen, tiger stripes from my babies and multiple scars of previous surgeries, graying hair and crow feet around the eyes I smiled and said “I love You my Darling, You have been fantastic!”

This Love Hate journey is still on, but what  I know is constant, is the heart that beats inside me, the soul that sings the song of hope, love, resilience and passion. Loving yourself for the past, present and future is all that Life is about. Happy Self Love!