10years back, entering into my 4th Decade, I had just become a mom. I had just started a career. I had just started staying full time with my second set of parents. I had just gotten used to having my husband around balancing study, work and family. I had just understood that my mental health was challenging.
On my 30th Birthday, it was pouring, I was late to work as Ansh had been very fussy since morning, I was hungry as I had not had the time to have breakfast, I was sad as I didnt know what were the plans for the evening. I was driving to collect a gift from my parents from someone. I had an episode of extreme road rage which turned against me with the involved person banging across my car door and swearing profanities in midst of bad traffic that rains in Hyderabad bring. I had just managed to reach Nagarjuna circle and I broke down. I was legit crying, howling. I felt let down by the Gods and the World for having to adult. Adulthood was just not like I dreamed about in childhood and I lamented the loss of control that adulthood brings with it.
And thus started the decade where I broke down and got up more than I can count.
I built my career and Family life bit by bit like an ant. But the difference is that in the million journeys that Ants take to carry something from Point A to Point B they are always in a huge group, but we are usually running solo. We get people who hold our hands and make us walking through the quicksand of life but they are far and few and you are grateful to them in Hindsight.
I have so many instances where I thought "This is It" but then those people showed up That Day at That Time and changed the Trajectories of things. One such person was my friend Haritha. I had met her when I was in Postgraduation. She had seen me as a hard working, young girl. And years later she saw me in a conference in Hyderabad. I was lost and directionless professionally and didnt know where to start the race. She held my hand, introduced me to people and I got work at the biggest EyeCare Network in the country. I havent ever met Haritha after that and its been a decade and I do believe she was instrumental in Gods plan for me.
Another such incidence happened when I again felt "Cant hang on No more" and all of a sudden the bell rings at home at night. In a new city, we knew no-one so this itself was an odd incidence and there standing was our best friend Mugdha. She had come for a medical conference to the city and had thought of surprising us. I just held her and cried and cried and I do believe the timing couldn't have been more perfect.
I realised the strength of our families also in the last decade. Friends slowly became busier with their lives and there were no new friends being made (its so tough to make genuine friends!), and shined through were our families. When we broke down personally, intellectually, financially or more, there were One Constant and those were mine and his parents. The stoic silence, Unquestioned support and unwavering faith that our families had in us at all times cannot be expressed in words. Faith in our decisions, faith in our work, faith in our unexperienced Parenthood. They have seen it all but allowed us to falter, fall, make mistakes and stand up. And that as a parent myself, I know is so so hard to do.
I have called Friends in the middle of the night and people have been there. I have told people that I don't want any advise I have just called to cry and people have listened! My Mama has been one such person whom I have made maybe only 3 phone calls in the last 10 years, but those were pivotal moments and he has stood by us! I cant that all those people enough for making me survive!
This Decade, we became parents to our second one. I remember that my career was just finally looking on track and I had gone to my OBGY on my birthday and told her that I dont plan to have any more kids. She counselled me and told that it is worth that I give it one more thought and that having siblings is really the best thing that could happen to our son. I was too mentally exhausted and wasnt ready. but she said just think over and discuss and give it a try or else we will decide for permanent sterlisation in coming months. And then reluctantly but assuringly I went on to plan my second pregnancy and lo and behold in a month we were pregnant! I cried tears of nervousness and doubts when we found out!I wasnt sure if I could ever love another! Whether I could keep it all together for another baby! But then Amey came, and he just brought it all together. This child was my companion and confidante and he brought all of us together through the thread of love. To see both the boys together and fight, make up and cry each day has been the biggest joy of this decade.
I have made some absolutely crazy choices. I discovered many things about myself. I am hard working and confident in many things. But, I have very bad EQ. I cry buckets if there is famine somewhere or if there has been a tragedy. I over do, over please and over compensating just to prove my loyalties to someone, something which has harmed me and my loved ones in more ways than one. I have travelled all over with my work, but then there have been days where I have had to be carried even to the Washroom as my body has given up the will to move!
All throughout this rollercoaster ride of emotional uproars, my partner and support, Santosh has stood strong.
His reassuring words of "It will be fine" have held me through the hardest years of my life. I have caused him pain but he has held me inspite of his own pains and that is something I am utterly grateful to the Universe for.
What has been toughest to learn this Decade has been "Patience". 20s was all about Cause and Effect. You study then you give exam and you get good marks and then you study again. Performance was rewarded and there was an end goal. 30s I learnt that there was no endgoal at the end of a defined period. Everyday you cook, clean, pack, do surgeries, see patients, do kids homework and put to bed and the cycle repeats. There is no end exam. There is no marks. Its just plain patience of the Everyday. I found it hard to fall into this "Routine". So would postpone my happiness to that holiday, or that special day, or that Conference and then I understood that staying sad and restless for 95% of the time in anticipation of the 5% is pure impractical! So then began the journey of discovering the inner peace which is still on the go!
I feel I have pained some and hurt some on this journey. I punished myself a lot for this! But I finally learnt I have to let go and let loose of these burdens. I can just say that no hurt was intentional. I Do Wish the Well For All. There have to be falls and bruises when you Hike a Mountain!
So I begin the 5th Decade on this Planet. With utter wonder and gratitude to the Gods above, who held me tight when all could have gone! I will keep walking, keep hiking up and keep getting up after each fall till the winding roads end! I can say today I am much wiser, happier, saner and grounded than I ever Was...Cheers to this!
