Alone time is something I have always had. My both parents were busy doctors and I had nobody in the house most of the times, except my brother who much younger than me was more on his own too. So Alone time is what I used to really treasure. In fact on Sundays when all would be home, I would crave for that corner in a room or edge of the sofa and be all by myself. My imaginary kids and houses were always a part of my World. As grew I replaced those pillows with books. Lost in the dream world created by Enid Blyton, I imagined myself cycling up those hills, sitting and sipping cool lemonade and sleeping in tents under the sky like the Famous 5. Ofcourse I also imagined having lot of cousins or siblings or friends, all of which I lacked. But Alone time was so so treasured.
Then slowly creeped in Television. I could even switch off my imagination and just be lost in the curated world. Also I spent a lot of Alone time chatting with friends on Phone. Real Chatting. We used to talk about everything under the Sun and always leave the House Telephone wet with perspiration but smiles touching the ears.
i was around 15 when Internet entered my life. Having access and liberty to search anything and everything in the world ate away not only my Alone time but also my Useful or study Time. I was attracted to it like a Moth to light. But I soon understood that I was heavily distracted from normalcy. I didnt enjoy my Real people, Friends or Human company for that matter Anything Real. Then came the kick to suddenly get back to studies and prove myself. And I never had a free time for the next 10 odd years as I entered Medical school and post graduation. During all those arduous years of Studying and exams, I filled all the free time either with my amazing group of friends or books. We had no access to Internet or Telephone for that matter in Hostels. We would have to go to an Internet Cafe to access Internet. (which was usually a boys zone and supposed to be a scandalous place, so I never went)
I did have a Mobile phone from 2nd year of MBBS but the tariffs were so high that I was strictly Instructed by my parents to not even share the Phone number with anyone. And ofcourse there was no Technology for Internet access on phones for another 5-6 years. It was only after the birth of my first child some 11 years back, when I actually got something called "Empty Time" or Free Time. Little did I know that One feeding Session takes close to an hour and all I had to do then was bare my chest to him and sit. This is when I started slowly and surely feeling Alone. I had lost the art of managing Alone time by this time for more than a decade. I tried reading a book but could not focus. This is when internet filled up these Alone Times. Mommy blogs, Strabismus queries, Interviews, almost everything I lapped up. For the next decade as I was debuting as a mother and a Pediatric Ophthalmologist in a new city, I saw more of these Alone Times. I filled them up with the swipes and clicks and downloads. But I felt more and more Empty. The online world was not filling my time it was depleting my Dopamine. I fell into the slug of adult life and slowly and surely became more Alone.
Now what happens when you perfect yourself with the Skill of Loneliness, is that you become used to it. i didnt want to venture out or seek company. My kids were my saviors as for their action, I moved. I took them to parks and play areas and so came out of my slumber. But I found very soon this innate desire to go back to the black screen and light it up.
Loneliness is more of our own Creative rather than the Truth. But isnt everything around also similar. The world is nothing but our Mind's Creative.
I think i took the wrong route many a time. In my Alone times, I kept myself busy. But soon i recognise that I am just distracting myself away from the Alone time rather than facing it. I cook or clean or listen to music to be in an alternate world, but what this often does is to avoid the Real world.
The lacuna does come. the silence of the Alone time. The nothingness. but what I really do is that I sit. I close my eyes and Breathe. This allows me to calm down. Get more creative. Get more Thoughts. and generally build up on something optimistically. I realise the chirping of the birds, the rustling of the leaves, the hum of the Fan in the room and I enjoy the Now. And I become less Lonely. Less busy. More at Peace.
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